THESE ARE A FEW OF THE JOKES / LINKS/ FUNNIES SENT TO US.
It is not our intention to upset anyone or cause offense in any way however if you feel sensitive to anything here we will be happy to remove or amend it to help you.
Our esteemed leader Mike Freye
from back in the day
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex? "Tarzan not know sex" he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "What the **** did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "check for squirrel."
Can you spot the difference between a murderer and a Computer Wizzard? http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/
NADI CONTEST vs Solenoid Valve
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. For those of you who have lived in Nadi, you know how typical this is. They actually have a Nadi Curry Cook-off about June/July.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in Nadi. Judge #3 was a solenoid valve salesman named Mike, who was visiting from America.
Mike: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Nadi Indians) that the Nadi curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting and if successful with Nadi the solenoid valve order was mine, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S RED DRAGON MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Mike - solenoid valve guy) -- Holy s**t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
CHILLI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN NADI CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Is this solenoid valve order really worth it!!
CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" NADI CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse Nadi curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all the beer. What nadi solenoid valve?
CHILLI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN NADI CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean Nadi curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a Nadi curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac? What's this New Issue 3 solenoid valve catalogue?
CHILLI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong Nadi curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Average beef Nadi curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage.
Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really annoys me that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them and that solenoid valve order!!
CHILLI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety Nadi curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to sh*t myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my bum with a snow cone ice-cream or a page from this solenoid valve catalogue!
CHILLI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" NADI CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre Nadi curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage
that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with Nadi curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Here Nadi tear a page out of this solenoid valve book, roll it up and stuff it in my face!!
CHILLI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING NADI CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend Nadi curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced Nadi curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,passed out, fell over and pulled the Nadi curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot Nadi curry? We'll definately give him that solenoid valve Nadi Curry order - well done.
Judge # 3 - No Report - No Nadi _ No Solenoid Valve Salesman There!
These are Nashville, TN's REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length.'
When Flying Please Remember:
It takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.
Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers
(By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit..
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last...................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a
S: Took hammer away from midget
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son w alked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened you was taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her some bathroom scales.
And then the fight started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
|A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.|
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful,sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the
next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week.
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, 'Where did you get such a great bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday,minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway.'
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!'
The priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
He said, 'Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, 'That's so sad.. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with an arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, 'It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'
Another said, 'No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.'
The last one said, 'No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.'
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?'
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.'
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.'
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.'
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'
The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.'
|George Bush has a heart attack and dies. |
Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil.
'You're on my list, but I have no room for you.
As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
No! I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.'
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said 'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
> Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
> A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
> Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
> A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
> Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
> A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
> Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
> A: What did your last slave die of?
> Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
> A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
> Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
> ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
> Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )
> A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
> Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
> A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
> Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
> A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
> Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
> Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
> A: You are a British politician, right?
> Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
> A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
> Milk is illegal.
> Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
> A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
> All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
> Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
> A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
> You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
> Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)
> A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
> Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
> A: Only at Christmas.
> Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
> A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Some one asked Graham for a sexy product photo,
they will not make the same mistake twice.
| |Marcus - Our beloved Deegs.
| |Grahams day on competitor complaints.
He really took some s##t that day.
How to Install a hanging basket.
Step 1 - Need 2 blokes in yellow coats
Step 2 - Obtain Hydraulic Lift
Step 3 - Health + Safety just visited
Step 4 - Block access to Business Park
2nd bloke went off to get small step ladder.
Well, everyone was crying laughing.
|Doing the Deegs shuffle|
|You can E mail us your jokes to firstname.lastname@example.org|
At The End Of The Funnies here are the UnFunnies.
These are possibly the 5 best sentences you'll ever read and all applicable to this:
1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the Government does not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it!
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.